But could I really love another child like I love my Madelyn and Luke?

That was the question that scared me the most.  What if I couldn't?  How are you supposed to love someone you haven't even met? What if he/she changed our family dynamics for the worst? What if we realized we made a mistake?  What if?!  For over a year, I wrestled with that question.  Well, to be honest, that question wrestled with me and often triumphed.  And yet, I couldn't let the thought of adopting a little someone out of my mind.  I thought, "if God really wants us to adopt, I'd prefer twins (my childhood love for the game of "Life" in true form) with one boy and one girl.   Oh, and I want them to be from Korea."  I figured as long as I was daydreaming, I might as well daydream big.  Especially since twins are an extreme rarity.  One day in early 2010, I happened across a photolisting of waiting children on the Holt International website. "Waiting children" means that these are kids with special needs - often medical and usually moderate to severe - that caused their families to abandon them in the first place and therefore, makes them harder to match to prospective adoptive families.  That's why only waiting children are photolisted - so that some might fall in love with a picture and see the child as a real child and not as a scary disease.  I had periodically looked at such photolistings - just to look.  On that particular day, I clicked on the photolisting of waiting children in Korea and the first picture was a picture of a set of twins - one boy and one girl.  They were 6 months old. My heart started pounding and I could almost hear God whisper, "Um Liv, what more do I have to do?"  I started to read about the twins.  They were born to an unwed mom who didn't realize she was pregnant. Both were born through a fairly traumatic delivery and both, especially the little boy, suffered hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy - brain damage from lack of oxygen.  The little girl seemed to have recovered well and was developing fine but the little boy was clearly going to have neurological deficits - likely cerebral palsy.  I was a bit nervous of taking on such a huge responsibility, especially since neurological deficits can be so debilitating but then again, being a neonatologist that cares for such babies regularly, I felt like who better than us to care for them.  So I read more.  In the fine print, Holt said that due to strict Korean restrictions, they could only participate in adoptions in certain states.  Illinois was not one of them.  To be honest, I was relieved.  I figured, "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be."  I did even inquire with the agency to see if there are ever any exceptions.  They said that if we lived more than 60 miles outside of Chicago, they could work with us.  Would you believe that we live 58.2 miles outside of Chicago? Would you believe even more that Holt then said "No"?   "Oh well, we tried" is what I told God.  It's also what I told myself, secretly relieved all over again.  But then a funny thing happened.  I would periodically check that website to see those twins and see how they were doing.  Every few months or so, a new updated picture of them would be posted and updates on their development were added.  In my own imaginary world, with the safety that in real life we would not be adopting them, I named each twin, decorated their nursery in my mind and imagined what it would be like to have them at home with us.  I admit, I was a bit delusional - I'm back in touch with reality now so don't worry! :)  Then about 4 months later, I visited the website again and below their picture I saw the words, "I have a home!"  Strange, I thought, that it didn't say, "We have a home".  When I read more, it said that the girl was adopted.  No mention about the boy being adopted.  My heart sank.  Were they going to be separated?  Was the little girl going to a family and her only brother and twin left behind?  At that moment, I was devastated.  I felt like they were my babies and that they were supposed to be together and with me!  But because I chickened-out and was content to sit back and not get involved, they were now being separated and sent to live in different places - and both without me!  I can't explain the depths of despair and regret I felt.  I was grieving the loss of two little ones that I never knew and that I never even expected to know. And yet, I was utterly depressed.  To be honest, even I was surprised by my emotions.  I can't even begin to tell you how confused Alex was!  Could it be that I actually did give my heart to these little ones?  It wasn't until then that I realized that maybe I could love someone as much as I loved my M and L.  Maybe there was hope for us after all...