We've got good news and bad news

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.  It's been quite busy in the Kim household.  Since the last post, we have had 5 editions to the family...Sydney (our dog) had 5 puppies on December 15!!  4 boys and 1 girl.  They are 2 weeks old and are darling!

On the adoption front, we've finally made some progress.  Actually we've made lots of progress!  After finally getting our LOA, and after I told our agency that we needed to be much more proactive, they allowed me to "take things into my own hands" and try to expedite Emma's adoption on my own.  That was the only green light I needed.  Since then, we've submitted our I800 forms, I spoke with the officers at the USCIS (multiple times) and was able to convince them of our need to expedite and they agreed!  Our I800 was approved in 8 days (not the usual 2-3 weeks)!  After that, it was on to the NVC (Nationa Visa Center) for their approval to allow Emma to be considered a direct relative apon adoption and grant her a visa.  I spoke to the folks at the NVC and our approval was granted 1 day after it was received!!  Thank God! The next step was to cable our paperwork to the US Embassy in China for our Article 5 (no idea where Articles 1-4 are but oh well!).  Our Article 5 had to be dropped off in person by our agency's in-China representative and then picked up 2 weeks later.  But they were willing to rush us through and we got our approval 2 days after it being dropped off and as of 12/29/2011, our paperwork is officially at the CCCWA (again) and we are waiting for our last (yes our LAST) approval - the Travel Approval!!  We requested expedition again but now we wait.  It may take 2-3 weeks and we are not so optimistic since it was the CCCWA that held on to our "expedited" LOA for 75 days but we still hope.  Things are finally moving faster...finally!!

Now here's the bad news.  The reason everyone was so willing to expedite was because Emma had a doctor's visit in China and she isn't doing as well as before.  Her color is less pink and her oxygenation saturations are now only 76%.  We are getting more worried for her and scared about her prognosis but have prayerfully decided that we would focus more on getting her home and seen by our docs than worry about the unkown.  Easier said than done, yes, but that's what we're going to have to do.  So, Lord willing, that's what we'll do...actually, it's the least we can do... 

So we hope to travel at the end of January or early February.  The only catch is that the last week of January is the Chinese New Year and many governmental agencies in China are closed for the week.  This includes the CCCWA.  We'll just have to trust in His timing and be ready to go as soon as they give us permission.  The whole logistic of travel is another chapter but for now, we'll just revel in the way He has carried us through this journey of hills and valleys and wait to see what He has in store for us.  God is so good.  He always has been.  He always will be - no matter what.  Happy New Year everyone - especially you, Baby Emma.  We love you and are on our way!

We hope

WE GOT IT!!

Our LOA finally arrived after 75 days of not so patiently waiting!!  Thank you Lord!  It's signed and sent back to our agency and now we wait for our I800 approval.  We are told to expect to travel in 10-12 weeks, that means we will be a whole family in February or March.  All smiles and gratitude (and a little embarrassed about my earlier doubtful days) in the Kim household.

Thanks everyone, for being the knot at the end of my rope!

Day 71 of our LOA wait...

Blue, melancholy, glum, depressed, sad and plain ho-dee-do.  That's how I feel about our perpetual wait for our LOA.  What should have taken 30-60 days for routine processing has taken 70+ days despite requesting to be expedited.  Unfortunately, our agency doesn't seem too motivated to inquire with the CCCWA why it's taking so long.  They said that they've called the CCCWA "a few times" to check on our file but they "never got an answer."  This worries me.  Shouldn't it worry them?  When I voiced my great concern to our agency, they told me they would call CCCWA again today and promised to call me back this afternoon but I still haven't heard from them and it's 10:30pm. Sigh.  Our latest pictures show that she seems to be well fed (in fact, we've started calling her our sweet chunky monkey!) but her lips are not as pink and her fingers look like they're starting to get clubbed - which is a sign of worsening cardio/pulmonary disease.  Every day lost is exactly that - lost.  If one more person tells me to be patient and that our wait is like the wait of being pregnant I might just crumble.  A pregnant mom is able to physically provide all the nutrients and safety a baby in utero needs to grow and get stronger each day.  The wait of an adoptive parent is the complete opposite.  Our babies are getting sicker, lonlier, and sadder each day. I feel helpless and alone.  Lord, how much longer must we wait?...

Our little E is now two!

Emma celebrated her 2nd birthday on the 13th!  We ordered a birthday cake for her and sent her a care package with gifts for the nannies at the orphange, the other kids at the orphange and a special blanket and a photo album of our family for Emma. I didn't find out until afterwards that Emma is actually with a foster family.  From the pictures that we received, she seems to be loved and well-cared for - although not a single photo showed our little one smiling.  Hmm, we're gonna have to work on that! :)  No sign of our gifts though...I know the orphanage received it but maybe they need a bit more time to get it to Emma and her foster family.  The orphanage can have all the gifts, but please, Lord, make sure Emma gets our family photo album so she knows we are coming.  The fact that she's in a foster family is wonderful because she is not exposed the the institutional lifestyle but it also means that she probably already feels like her foster mom is her "real mom".  She will be even more traumatized when we (complete strangers - unless she sees our pictures from our photo album!) come to meet her and bring her home.  That's the one thing I'm dreading - the heartbreak that she will have when she feels like we've taken her from her foster family and that she's been abandoned - again.  It's almost unbearable... Lord, please hold her tenderly on that day...and please help her to know that we love her and will never leave her.

An update on Emma...

Emma's 2nd birthday will be on November 13.  We arranged to send her a care package and have a Chinese coordinator named Angela arrange for a birthday cake to be delivered to the orphanage so they can have a birthday party for her.  As if to prove that God's hand is in the midst of this, she happened to have remembered that someone was advocating for Emma in June 2011 and she had updates pictures and a video!  Angela sent them to us and with bated breath, we saw our little girl again.  We were surprised to see that she looked soooo different from her initial picture.  We started to worry.  First of all, her hair was thinning, not thickening.  She wasn't as pink or as healthy looking as she was in her original pictures and she looked downright angry!  At first, I thought Angela had sent the wrong pictures but the more I studied the facial features of Emma's first pictures, I could still see Emma's face in the updated pictures - she just didn't seem as healthy or happy.  Even though the report stated that her activity level was fine, she looked pale and quiet. Oh no, I thought, we have to get her NOW!!  She needs nourishment, love and medical attention and she needs it NOW!  So the urgency started to bubble from within.  We have been waiting 39 days so far for our LOA.  Some families have been waiting 100+ days and still have not gotten approval.  How much longer will it be?  Once we get LOA, we still have 3 more approvals to get.  It could take anywhere between 3-6 months more!  Lord PLEASE help us!  Even though we are hurrying as much as possible, I feel like we are loosing the race. Lord please. Please.

Let Go and Let God

Why does it take me so long to learn that if I just let go and trust that He is in control, everything works out so perfectly?  Well, I finally surrendered and accepted defeat and acknowledged the fact that I have to let go of all my controlling, must-have-it-my-way, attitude and just let God do His thing.  In my quiet time yesterday morning, that's what I did.  And you know what? It was so freeing to have that burden off of me. This adoption process is His mission, after all, and I'm supposed to just follow.  So I took my place in His shadow and started the day.  And you know what else?  Within a few hours I got an email saying that we were officially Logged In with the Chinese Children's Welfare and Advocacy Association and our Log In Date (LID) - the thing that I was waiting for sooo impatiently - was actually 9/21/2011!  They were just late in notifying us.  Our God had not turned His head, He had not forgotten about us.  He was still making miracles happen, I just was too ornery and too stubborn to see them.  Now I see.  Now I know - again.  The next step is a Letter of Approval from the Chinese government.  That process has been taking 60 days lately.  Sigh.  But I know that His timing is perfect and I will wait on Him this time.  I'm still hoping and praying that we'll be able to bring her home by the end of this year but will leave that up to Him.  Emma turns 2 next month.  Oh how we wish we could be there or she could be here.  We'll just have to remember that He is both here and there and thankfully, that soothes our souls.

Still waiting.....

Sigh... The step that we thought would be the shortest (usually takes 1 week or so) is now taking longer and longer each passing day.  Our dossier (the official adoption paperword) is somewhere in the bowels of the Chinese Childrens Welfare and Advocacy Agency (CCWAA) awaiting someone (anyone really) to review it and officially enter us into their computer so we can be "logged in" to their system and acknowledged as a prospective adoptive family.  As of now, (14 days later but who's counting) we continue to hear the same thing...silence.  Other people who are also adopting and were DTC after us have already been logged in.  We're happy for them (genuinely) but you know the rest.  So, what's a girl to do but wait - and check email constantly, and be a bit cranky (sorry Honey), and finally surrender in prayer.  Lord, I guess I do still need those lessons on waiting and being patient.  Just please keep little Emma as healthy and as safe as possible because she is waiting too.  I'm so thankful that You are in control and we trust in Your timing... In Jesus' name, Amen. 

It's Official!!

We are officially DTC!!  Our dossier is on it's way to China!!!  That says it all!  Praise God!

Almost there!!

God is making things happen!!  We were granted expedition by the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) and our I800A was approved on 9/9/2011 - just hours after Alex had his fingerprints done!  Amazing!  We got our I797 form (the official written approval letter) in the mail on 9/12/2011 and I was off to the Secretary of State and Chinese Consulate on 9/13 for certification and authentication of our documents - the I797 and that dog gone homestudy (which we ended up not revising again) .  And of course, there were obstacles along the way - who knew that I was supposed to submit the copy of the I797 and not the original and who knew that I had to write a cover letter for the copied I797 stating that the copy is in fact a copy of the original and real approval letter? And, who knew that I would have to have my cover letter notarized?!  Thank God for the nice lady notary at Citibank that had mercy on me (after 4 other banks turned me away since I didn't bank with them)  and was willing to notarize my letter. I was finally ready to go to the Chinese Consulate for a quick authentication of the forms - or so I thought.  If I got my forms submitted to them by 11am, I could pick them up later that day. Marvelous! :)  I had hoped to get to the Consulate when they opened at 9am but the snafu at the SOS delayed me a bit but I ended up getting there at 9:25am.  Not bad, I thought, until I entered the waiting room and saw that it was standing room only.  Apparently the day before was a Chinese holiday (I guess I'm going to have to learn these things) and the consulate was closed.  That meant everyone in the midwest that had "go to Chinese Consulate" on their To Do list was there.  I took the number from the handy, dandy machine and almost gasped out loud.  I was number 80!   And they were on number 19.  And  I only had 95 minutes before it would be 11am and my documents and I would turn into a pumpkin (and miss the same day service deadline).  So I waited, and waited, and waited. (This seems to be a common occurrence lately).  Finally, my number was called.  It was exactly 10:58am.  I rushed to the window, turned in my forms and asked if I would be done later that day.  She said "yes!" :) What a relief!!!  And then she said, "Uh oh, we never do same day service for homestudies so you have to come back tomorrow." :(  (Sometimes I think that homestudy is out to get me!)  I begged and begged but to no avail and surrendered.  I took the little pink receipt and went home unfulfilled.  At least the mission was half- accomplished.
I went back the very next day, eager to get this done with, and stood in line again.  When I got to the "Pick up only" window, the gentleman looked and looked for my documents, couldn't find them and said they weren't ready and to come back at 2pm.  It was 11am.  Sigh.  I knew what came next.  I had to sit and wait again - for 3 hours.  Thankfully I brought my laptop and decided to go to the local Starbucks and get some work done.  Time passed and it was 1:30pm.  I was tempted to go back to the Consulate early but was afraid of annoying the man by coming before 2pm so I waited just a little bit more.  When I got back to the Consulate, just minutes before 2pm I realized that I was the only one that did not wish to annoy the man because now there were 22 people who got there early and were in line ahead of me to pick up their documents as well.  Apparently 2pm is the assigned time for everyone to come and pick up their documents.  Double sigh.  I took my place at the end of the line and ... you guessed it, waited.  Finally at 2:30pm I had my beloved documents in my hand.  Thank you Lord!  I sent everything by FedEx to our agency and we expect to be DTC (Documents to China) on Friday September 16!!  Please Lord, make it happen!! And Lord, um, how am I doing with the wait (and wait and wait) lessons?  If you think I'm getting the hang of it, feel free to kindly speed things up a bit.  :)   Either way, I will wait on You, Lord and I will choose to trust You and Your timing.  Amen.

We got it!!

Hallelujah!!  We got our I800A approval today!  USCIS ended up expediting our application for us and so we are one step closer to holding our little one!  Thank you all who prayed and prayed and prayed.  Thank you.  The next step is for me to wait (there's that word again) for the written approval to arrive and then I will take everything downtown for certification and authentication.  Hopefully we will be able to send all our dossier to China by the end of next week!  Yippee!  I can hardly believe it!  Thank you Lord, for paving the way.  Thank you!!

Now the hard part - a.k.a. "hurry up and wait...and wait and wait and wait"

Now we were on a mission.  With time ticking by too quickly, I began gathering all the documents we would need to put our dossier together in record time - not only for Emma's health but also because the adoption rules change October 1, 2011.  But that wasn't gonna be an issue.  We were gonna get this done.  I was on it!  I ran all over metro Chicago getting everything signed, sealed (almost everything needed to be notarized!) and delivered.  In one month, we completed our 5 required homestudy interviews/meetings, completed 12 hours of online adoption education seminars and finally had all the required documents finalized and in hand.  Yippee!!  We did it all in record time and we were right in line with our expedited schedule! Everything came together beautifully.  All we had to do was wait for our social worker to write up our homestudy so we could take the next step of submitting our I-800A to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) for their approval that we are fit to be adoptive parents to a child.  That's when things came to a terrible, screeching halt.  Oh, the homestudy....  The homestudy was the one thing I had no control over and was at the mercy of our social worker - who unfortunately beats to a different drum (and tempo) than me.   While wringing my hands endlessly, we had to wait and wait and wait for the homestudy to be written up.  Clarifications, vacations (3 of them), miscommunications within their agency etc. delayed the finalization and endorsement of our homestudy.  We ended up having to wait another month before our social worker was ready to send the homestudy to our placement agency.  But finally it was done!  Yeah!!  Or so we thought.  Since the homestudy took so long, we were now behind our expedited schedule and now it looks like we won't make the October 1 deadline after all.  :(  And remember those changes to the adoption rules I had mentioned earlier?  Well, guess what those changes entail?  Revision to our homestudy! Aargh!  Now we were told that, in addition to more hours of adoption education (which we don't mind) and 2 extra post-adoption home visits (costly but unavoidable) , we would need reference letters from Madelyn' s and Luke's school teachers and those reference forms would need to be included in our homestudy.  That means our homestudy had to be revised so we were back to square one.  Sigh...  Thankfully M and L's teachers were wonderful and incredibly supportive and were willing to complete the reference forms asap.  The only problem (again) was that since this was a new requirement, our homestudy agency had not developed a teacher reference form so they needed another week just to come up with the form.  God was definitely teaching me patience and I was failing miserably.  You'd think I would learn by now... Double sigh... They finally got the forms to our teachers and revised the homestudy and finalized it again.  Our social worker sent the newly finalized homestudy copies to our placement agency and we also got a copy to take to the Secretary of State in Chicago for certification (to make sure that all the notaries are indeed notaries and in good standing) and the Chinese Consulate in Chicago for authentication.  Whew!!  We were done with the homestudy stage of it!  Finally!  Or so we thought...again.  :(  :(  :(  When I looked at the homestudy, the medical conditions of the potential adoptive children need to be listed.  Although she was general on the other possible conditions (ex. orthopedic issues, infections diseases, cranio-facial problems) our social worker wrote that we were approved to adopt a child with a "congenital heart defect including ..."  The problem was that she didn't list the entire condition that Emma has.  Even our placement agency agreed that the social worker's wording may be a bit limiting if it was interpretted literally.  So we asked our social worker to revise the wording.  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  Our social worker said that if she did change the wording, she would need to rescind the previous finalization of the homestudy and resubmit it to the state of Illinois for endorsement - which would probably take another month or so. What?!  Why is this so difficult?!  So now we wait to see what our agency wants to do.  Thankfully they were able to submit our I800A on 8/9/2011 so at least our application is still moving forward but with the homestudy still an issue, I'm learning to relinquish control and leave things in God's hands - where they should be anyway.  Lord, please help us get this done quickly and correctly and please keep our little Em healthy until we can finally get her home...Oh, and please be patient with me as I'm learning how to be patient...Amen.

The Diagnosis

Per her limited Chinese translated to English medical records, "Most parts of the heart locate in the right chest, the apex cordis points to the right side. The location of atrium is correct with one set of AV valves, single ventricle and the small residual chamber locates at the left front position.  The AO and PA both originate from major chamber. The AO is not widened, which locates in front to right side.  It is PAS which locates at back to mild left side.  The foramen premium of IAS is absent. It is the aortic arch in left position. "  In summary, she has dextrocardia (her heart is on the right not the left), as single ventricle (supposed to have 2)  with both main arteries ( the aorta and pulmonary artery) arising from the one and only ventricle. She also has an ASD (a hole between the top chambers of her heart) and pulmonary artery stenosis (or narrowing).  Summarizing things even more, for our medical friends, she likely has heterotaxy syndrome with double outlet right ventricle.  We don't know if she has situs inversus of her abdominal organs but she reportedly has recovered well from the typical childhood colds so we hope that she has at least one functioning spleen. 
Thankfully, since I work at the Children's Hospital of Wisconsin, which has one of the top 10 pediatric cardiac centers in the nation, I sent her file to my cardiac specialist friends and asked their honest opinions on what Emma will need surgically and how she would do post-operatively and long term.  Can I just say how wonderfully supportive everyone was? They were genuinely bending over backwards to develop the best plan they could for her care.  We will forever be thankful...
We were told that there was good news and bad news.  The good news first was that yes, she would need surgery, actually 2, to repair her heart and that most kids with similar heart defects do well.  They have a normal neurological future and developmentally are just like their peers.  :)  The bad news was pretty bad though.  Usually the surgeries are done by 12 -18 months of age.  If the surgeries are delayed, the risk for pulmonary hypertension (irreversible lung damage) is too high.  Emma was already 21 months old.  She likely has already developed some degree of pulmonary hypertension.  If we don't get her home soon and her pulmonary hypertension worsens, she would not be a candidate for surgery at all, her condition would be untreatable and she would only be offered palliative care.  Her life span would only be to 5-15 years of age.  Our hearts sank and the tears flowed.  How could this be? We were back on that roller coaster again.  We had finally gotten a chance to see her file after thinking we had lost her once already.  We finally had a chance to make her our very own but now we were at risk of losing her again - this time for real.  Now we knew why all the other families ahead of us on her waiting list turned her down.  But for some reason, the thought of declining her file never entered our mind.  Like all parents who are given bad news about the health of their children, we were devastated, scared and wished we could take her pain away.  But we never thought of leaving her.  She was ours.  She was already part of our family.  She already belonged to us and we to her.  We were going to get through this together, as a family - for better or for worse.  She needed us more now than ever and to be honest, we needed her just as much.  We told Madelyn and Luke about Emma's heart condition because we felt it was important to include them in the entire adoption process.  M and L were worried for Em but they wanted to bring her home, too.  I was so proud of my brave little ones.  So we submitted our Letter of Intent (LOI) to our agency and they sent it to China Center of Adoption Affairs in Beijing and we received our preapproval (PA) on July 6, 2011.  She was now formally reserved for us and we could now officially call her "Emma" which is the name that we all unanimously agreed on - amazing!  But now our paper chase to complete all the required documents was on.  Knowing that we were racing against time brought out the Mama Bear in me.  It was not pretty but it definitely brought me to my knees.  Thankfully, He is always in control...

How we chose China

To be honest, it wasn't our first choice.  We naturally wanted to adopt from Korea.  Adoption alone can be scary - adding a different country with a different language and a different heritage can be downright terrifying.  Anyway, we didn't even give it a second thought.  We would adopt from Korea - especially since we thought staying within in our own culture would help our traditional, not-so-supportive parents and parents-in-law to accept this new addition to the family.  So I researched all about international adoptions from Korea.  It didn't take long before I realized that time was ticking - and I don't mean my biological clock - although that was ticking, too.  Korean requirements for prospective adoptive parents is quite strict.  The maximum age they would allow for a parent to adopt a child from Korea is 45 years old.  Did I mention I just "celebrated" my 41st birthday?  Not only that, Korea only allows 3 agencies in the state of Illinois to handle their international adoptions.  Only three!  Oh and also there's the little fact that Korea is closing down on their international adoptions and the current wait for a health child is only 3-5 years!  Who knew it would take so long?! With that kind of a time frame, there was no way we would make the age requirement. That was the first real road block.  Now what?  It was after another dialogue with Julia that I learned that China was also tightening their allowances for international adoption and the wait for a healthy child from China is now 6-7 years!  It looked like our options were dwindling fast.  Why was this happening when we finally decided to take a step of faith and follow where He was leading? What kind of a roller coaster was He taking us on?
It was then that Julia explained that both of her children from China had special needs.  Caleb, who they brought home a few years ago, had a cleft lip and palate that has since been repaired.  Hope, their little girl in China, has Hepatitis B.  Julia said that if we were open to a child with special needs, the time frame for adoption would be 12-18 months or so.  That sounded a lot better than 3-7 years but a child with special needs? Doubt started raising it's ugly little head.  Since Alex and I work closely with patients needing long term care and guarded prognoses, we were a bit concerned about the complexity of care a child with special needs would require.  In my hospital, we tend to see the sickest of the sick and the kids with long-term health issues that develop complications with every intervention are our "norm".  I wasn't quite sure I was ready for that kind of a norm.  In a way, as physicians, we felt called to parent someone who other families may not be comfortable with.  And yet, in the same way, we knew "too much" and imagined the worst. 
Around this time, we brought up the subject of adoption to Madelyn and Luke.  We weren't sure how they would respond and figured it was time to find out.  To our surprise, they had no desire to have a baby brother or sister.  Luke actually summed it up by saying, "Why do we need another baby? Aren't we enough?"  Meet Road block #2.  Alex and I decided that if M and L were not ready then we would not push them.  They would periodically ask questions about orphans and adoption so we welcomed any opportunity to tell them that about the needs of these children.  Madelyn and Luke understood that someone should help those children.  They actually wanted someone to help the orphans of the world - they just didn't want it to be them.  So we waited. 
Then came THE day.  I was looking at another photolisting site when I came across the picture of a little girl from China called "Lexi".  It said she had a congenital heart defect.  I was shocked.  She looked like the perfect combination of what Madelyn and Luke looked like when they were babies.  In fact, she looked a lot like Alex when he was a baby.  Basically, she was adorable and I wondered if she was the one we were looking for.  I wanted to save the website so I could show Alex.  I wasn't ready to show the kids since they were still in the "not us" mind frame.  As I was saving the website page, Madelyn came and sat beside me and looked at the screen.  Among a list of pictures of other children, she picked out the picture of the same little girl, and said quite matter of factly, "she's the one.  I want her."  I was shocked.  It was one of those God moments when you get goosebumps all over.  It was as if God was using Madelyn to confirm that this little girl from China was the one He had chosen for us.  She was the member of our family who has been missing this whole time and just happened to be in China.  I got so excited I called Luke to come and see the picture too.  Needless to say, he was not very impressed.  The mere fact that she was a girl was enough to solidify his decision that adoption was not for him - unless the new baby was a boy.  Geez Louise!  When Alex saw the picture of the little girl, he too was smitten and remarked, "she looks like me!"  "Lexi" was being represented by AAC Adoption Agency in Colorado and Alex urged me to contact them to inquire about her, which I did later that night.  That was on May 18, 2011.  I was excited, Alex was excited, Maddy was excited and Luke was very not excited.  Our excitement fizzled when we were told the next day that there were many families interested in "Lexi" and that we would need to be placed on a waiting list.  Our hearts sank.  Maybe it wasn't meant to be after all.  I thought we had gotten off this emotional roller coaster.  When did we get back on?! 
So we waited.  And we waited and we waited.  Our sweet little Madelyn made sure we prayed each night that we would be able to adopt little "Lexi".  To be honest, my lack of faith caused me to start thinking about how I was going to explain things to Madelyn if someone else ended up adopting her.  Even Luke started to slowly warm up to the idea of having a little sister - especially when I explained to him that someone would need to show "Lexi" how to eat McDonald's Happy Meals!  He, being the expert in this area, lit up and exclaimed that HE would be the one to take on that responsibility.  That's my boy!!!  Then 2 weeks later, AAC's website listed "Lexi" as being on hold - for someone else.  The roller coaster was in full swing.  I gently told Madelyn that someone else wanted "Lexi" and "isn't it wonderful that she has a new family?"  To which Maddy responded, "But we are her family."  She was clearly disappointed - and to be honest, so was I.  Thankfully, she didn't ask why God didn't answer her prayer because I wouldn't have know what to say.  I thought for sure this was God's will.  The fact that "Lexi's" file was on hold made me question my ability to know what He wanted at all.  It was not a good day in the Kim household. 
A few days later I called AAC Adoption Agency, just to see if there was any remote chance that the "hold" on "Lexi's" file would expire.  It was then that I was told that "Lexi" DIDN'T have a family yet!  God is so faithful! Why or why did I doubt Him...The agency had just put "on hold" on her picture to stop others from inquiring about her.  Apparently there were already 20 families on her waiting list.  We were now number 5!  There was still hope!!  I did a happy dance and ran to tell Madelyn.  She was thrilled and Luke was happy to think that his "expertise" might still be needed.   We were more content to wait this time...until another 2 weeks went by. 
So now it's been a month of waiting and I finally contacted the agency again.  This time I was told that there was a family strongly considering her but if they didn't make a decision in the next 48 hours, we would be next up to see "Lexi's" file!  So we waited some more.  This time, we started worrying (there's that word again) about what her heart defect would be.  What if it was associated with syndromes and other health issues that would complicate her life even more?  What if it was so complex that a heart-lung transplant was the only option?  What if?  We did a lot of praying during those 48 hours.  Praying that "Lexi" wouldn't be too sick.  Praying that we would be able to handle whatever cardiac defect she had.  Praying that she would be ours and that she would be ok.  Well, those 48 hours came and went.  Nothing.  No email containing her file.  No email saying the other family said yes.  We waited another day and then it came.  We were up!  Everyone else ahead of us turned her down and now this was our chance!  We finally got to see her limited medical files and a little story of how she came to be in an orphanage.  In a way, it almost didn't matter.  In our minds, she was already ours.  Of course we wanted her to be as healthy as possible but we knew we would deal with whatever she needed medically just as if she were actually born to us.  We knew she was the one we've been missing.  We knew she was the one God had planned for us.  And we knew she was a Kim.  She just happened to be in China instead of in Crystal Lake, Illinois but that was about to change.

A teeny, tiny step of faith

Have you ever been at a crossroad in life, not sure of which way to go, but knowing that once you started down a path, there would be no turning back?  That's how it was for us when we were on the cusp of making the decision to adopt or not.  Funny how God always seems to know when you need a nudge... I had happened to be on Alex's facebook page (which is always more interesting than mine since I don't know how to upload pictures onto it and I never think anything going on in my life is worthwhile to post) and I saw a post from one of his friends from high school who was adopting a little girl from China.  This would be their second adoption from China and they couldn't be happier.  Julia, his friend's wife, had a blog chronicling their journey and the adoption process and I covertly read everything she wrote.  I was lost among the abbreviations; PA, LOI, HS, DTC, LID, LOA, TA, etc. but I found myself wanting to know more.  I did an online search for "how to adopt" and was overwhelmed with the multitude of websites and the ambiguity of how to actually get started.  What I needed was an "Adoption for Dummies" book but unfortunately it seemed like I was the only Dummy needing such a thing.  So I took a deep breath and emailed Julia - out of the blue, using Alex's facebook account (figuring she wouldn't know who I was otherwise since I had not seen/spoken to her for over a decade) and asked rudimentary questions about adoption and the ultimate question - were you afraid you might not love your adopted child as much as your biological children (she has 3 biological kids so she knew exactly how I felt).  Without her reassurance and honesty, I don't think I would have taken the next step.  But thanks to Julia, and Pastor Frank and Hannah  from our church who also adopted a little girl from China, we saw true examples of how wonderful adoption could be and we started to think that maybe, just maybe, we could take that first teeny, tiny step. 

But could I really love another child like I love my Madelyn and Luke?

That was the question that scared me the most.  What if I couldn't?  How are you supposed to love someone you haven't even met? What if he/she changed our family dynamics for the worst? What if we realized we made a mistake?  What if?!  For over a year, I wrestled with that question.  Well, to be honest, that question wrestled with me and often triumphed.  And yet, I couldn't let the thought of adopting a little someone out of my mind.  I thought, "if God really wants us to adopt, I'd prefer twins (my childhood love for the game of "Life" in true form) with one boy and one girl.   Oh, and I want them to be from Korea."  I figured as long as I was daydreaming, I might as well daydream big.  Especially since twins are an extreme rarity.  One day in early 2010, I happened across a photolisting of waiting children on the Holt International website. "Waiting children" means that these are kids with special needs - often medical and usually moderate to severe - that caused their families to abandon them in the first place and therefore, makes them harder to match to prospective adoptive families.  That's why only waiting children are photolisted - so that some might fall in love with a picture and see the child as a real child and not as a scary disease.  I had periodically looked at such photolistings - just to look.  On that particular day, I clicked on the photolisting of waiting children in Korea and the first picture was a picture of a set of twins - one boy and one girl.  They were 6 months old. My heart started pounding and I could almost hear God whisper, "Um Liv, what more do I have to do?"  I started to read about the twins.  They were born to an unwed mom who didn't realize she was pregnant. Both were born through a fairly traumatic delivery and both, especially the little boy, suffered hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy - brain damage from lack of oxygen.  The little girl seemed to have recovered well and was developing fine but the little boy was clearly going to have neurological deficits - likely cerebral palsy.  I was a bit nervous of taking on such a huge responsibility, especially since neurological deficits can be so debilitating but then again, being a neonatologist that cares for such babies regularly, I felt like who better than us to care for them.  So I read more.  In the fine print, Holt said that due to strict Korean restrictions, they could only participate in adoptions in certain states.  Illinois was not one of them.  To be honest, I was relieved.  I figured, "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be."  I did even inquire with the agency to see if there are ever any exceptions.  They said that if we lived more than 60 miles outside of Chicago, they could work with us.  Would you believe that we live 58.2 miles outside of Chicago? Would you believe even more that Holt then said "No"?   "Oh well, we tried" is what I told God.  It's also what I told myself, secretly relieved all over again.  But then a funny thing happened.  I would periodically check that website to see those twins and see how they were doing.  Every few months or so, a new updated picture of them would be posted and updates on their development were added.  In my own imaginary world, with the safety that in real life we would not be adopting them, I named each twin, decorated their nursery in my mind and imagined what it would be like to have them at home with us.  I admit, I was a bit delusional - I'm back in touch with reality now so don't worry! :)  Then about 4 months later, I visited the website again and below their picture I saw the words, "I have a home!"  Strange, I thought, that it didn't say, "We have a home".  When I read more, it said that the girl was adopted.  No mention about the boy being adopted.  My heart sank.  Were they going to be separated?  Was the little girl going to a family and her only brother and twin left behind?  At that moment, I was devastated.  I felt like they were my babies and that they were supposed to be together and with me!  But because I chickened-out and was content to sit back and not get involved, they were now being separated and sent to live in different places - and both without me!  I can't explain the depths of despair and regret I felt.  I was grieving the loss of two little ones that I never knew and that I never even expected to know. And yet, I was utterly depressed.  To be honest, even I was surprised by my emotions.  I can't even begin to tell you how confused Alex was!  Could it be that I actually did give my heart to these little ones?  It wasn't until then that I realized that maybe I could love someone as much as I loved my M and L.  Maybe there was hope for us after all...

How it all began...

I realize that this may seem sudden to many but in actuality, the thought of adopting a little someone began many years ago... I remember when I was a child playing the game of "Life" with my sister over and over again.  Even though the strategy of the game was to get as much money as possible and retire as a millionaire, our goal was to fill our plastic game piece car with as many children as possible.  We would squeal with delight if we happened to land on the "twin boys are born!" space - or any another "a child is born" space for that matter - but any 10 year old knew two kids at one time were better than one.  We would jump up and down victoriously as our car overflowed.  The last chance to "have children" was the "adopt a boy and girl" space and we would plan and strategize how we could contrive a way to land on that spot.  My sister and I would fantasize about our future children and I would always say that I wanted 4 children.  2 boys and 2 girls, 2 biological and 2 adopted.  Who knew that 30 years later I would come back to the same dream.  God has been so good and He blessed us with 2 biological children, 1 boy and 1 girl.  And we couldn't be happier or more content with our Madelyn and Luke.  But the funny thing with life is that as soon as you get comfortable with where you are in this journey, a small nagging feeling (aka the Holy Spirit) pushes you out to journey some more.  Alex had always wanted more children but he always seemed to bring up the subject at the most inopportune times such as; on a day of filled with temper tantrums from a defiant two-year old, or after sleepless nights with one or both of the kids as they suffered through another cold, or after a day of changing diapers, cleaning up projectile emesis, and picking up toys for the umpteenth time before you realize it's time to cook dinner and you are still in your pajamas.  In my mind, I was done, we were complete.  We had our boy and our girl, they played well with each other (at least most of the time - well ok, some of the time) and we were the typical family of four.  Life was good, all was well and why would we ever want to go back to the newborn stage and offset our long awaited balance?  So, I said "no" every time Alex looked longingly at a toddler toddling by. And I breathed a sigh of relief every time I saw a harried mother chasing after that rambunctious toddler - thankful that that wasn't me.
And then, the inevitable happened.  Time passed.  In the blink of an eye, and without my permission, my babies were not babies anymore.  They weren't even toddlers anymore.  And they were flying through childhood.  Madelyn just turned 10 (and is officially a tween - and one year away from middle school) and Luke is 8 years old.  It was also around this time that we moved into a new house and our new kitchen table now seats 6 (instead of 4 like our old one did).  That means there are 2 unoccupied seats at the dinner table and there are 2 absent place settings each night.  This means there are 2 reminders each day that maybe, just maybe, someone (or sometwo) is/are missing.  At first it was just an observation.  Then it was a bit of an annoyance.  Then it became a void and now it's become a calling that we know we needed to do something about.  I wish I could say that we answered the call immediately and trusted Him to provide but we didn't .  Instead, we (to be truthful, I should say "I") let all the doubts, fears and hesitation do the talking and we (I mean "I") convinced myself that I was not cut out to be an adoptive mom.  Besides, how in the world could I love an adopted child as much as I loved Madelyn and Luke?  And, if I couldn't love an adopted child as much as my own, I had no business adopting one in the first place.  So I appeased myself by convincing myself that it was not in any orphans' best interest to be adopted by us.  Ashamedly, I was satisfied with that... Until I read Mary Beth Chapman's book "Choosing to See."  The Chapmans had adopted 3 girls from China and despite her own short-comings, their oldest daughter reminded her that "any mother is better than no mother."  That phrase kept repeating itself to me.  Every time I doubted, I would remember that "any mother is better than no mother."  Every time I worried, I would remember that "any mother is better than no mother."  Now you could argue that an abusive mother really is NOT better than no mother but that's for another time and place because in the end, when I saw pictures of orphans abandoned and alone I knew that "any mother is better than no mother."  That's when my heart panicked.   Am I supposed to be someone else's mother?!  That very thought is what started us on this emotional journey and the answer to that question is why we know we are supposed to bring our little Emma home.